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07 September 2008 @ 07:12 pm
Earthly Delights: First installment to my first fanfic!  
Title:Earthly Delights
Rating: PG to R...naughty words and sexual references for humor purposes
Spoilers:I read up to NiC, but reading the LKH Lashouts has kept me loosely up to date on later books, so one might see references to Byron, Auggie, Thea, etc.
Characters/Pairings:Anita, her harem, and my originals (who don’t appear in this installment, but will)
Warnings:This is more for disillusioned fans, as it is snark
Summary: A snark-fic in which Anita is called to investigate murders at a brothel that houses exclusively supernatural sex workers, only to find that she isn't the only one on the case! Much fun is poked at her expense.
A/N: Again, this is more aimed at those who don't really like post-ardeur Anita. Also, this is only the FIRST installment. There will be others.

Anita Blake used to be the one that pulled in the big bucks for Bert at Animators, Inc. His snippy little cash cow. Now, though, she was just a cow. Oh, sure, she was “petite”, as she and her fanged boyfriend (wait, there was more than one of those) would be the first to tell you, but make no mistake, the woman was a cow. Actually, cows probably made more melodious noises when irate, and the only white fluid one had to worry about with a cow was at least full of nutritious calcium. In any case, none of that would matter to him, except that though she was a cow, she was not a cash cow. She had not raised a zombie in some time, and hardly seemed to even set foot in the office anymore. That was, in fact, the only reason he hadn’t fired her; she wasn’t around long enough for him to do it! Sure, he could just send her a notice, but he wanted to watch her face while he laid out all the reasons for her why she was being let go.

Like the fact she didn’t do her job, but was doing anything that moved. Like the fact that they were a professional business, and people didn’t really get that message when the top (or formerly top) worker there went around dressed in stilettos, latex tube tops, and more shredded fishnet than actual clothing around their nether regions. Like the fact that a lot of men were going into her office, but none ever seemed to be booking an appointment or paying money. Actually, come to think of it, he’d probably get more dough out of her if he just started pimping her out instead of her zombie-raising abilities. The old Anita would have castrated him for the mere thought, but he had a bitter hunch that the skank who went by the spunky vampire slayer’s name these days might not put up too much of a protest.

All of this was why he was so glad the phone call came.

Now here the cow was, called in from her cock-pasture, sitting in front of him. He tried not to look as she crossed her legs; he’d heard that the janitor here had been sucked into it while cleaning up fluids from her latest booty-call in her office. One second of exposure to that creepy cooch, and it was all over. The man was drawn in to the vortex, never to be seen again.

“Well, Bert, what now?”, she asked, as she began mentally narrarating about what a money-hungry cheapskate her boss was and how she was the best damn animator in the whole damn country, which led in to a long mental narration about how she was also a necromancer, and how special that made her, and how she had power over vampires, which led to her adding about how she also had power over the leopards and wolves and--

“You’re not listening to me, are you?” Bert, who had been talking for some time now, could tell she was tuning him out. He always wondered just what the hell was going on in her crazy head these days. He could swear he’d heard her babbling one time in the hall about the argh-door or something like that.

“God, of course I am!”, she snapped, “What, you don’t think I’m smart enough to pay attention? Is it because I’m a woman? Do you feel the need to keep every ounce of my attention on you and you alone? Dammit, Bert, I don’t need you trying to get up my skirt too! But I don’t blame you if you do. I know you can’ help it.”

Oh, he was definitely glad that she would be getting out of here soon enough. Wincing at the thought of letting his poor wang into that ghastly cavern of testosterone-sucking she-rage, he decided to just recap his whole side of the conversation for her and stroke her ego a little to calm her down…better than stroking something else for her, after all.

“I got a call from a guy who said he wanted you to investigate some things that were going down at his place of business. Things in your area of expertise.”

“As in, the supernatural,” interrupted Anita, as she mentally monologued about how it was in her nature not to be coy about things and how she was so much tougher than everyone else, especially other women, who were so totally all ninnies, and about how having a degree in preternatural biology made her know everything about everything that went bump in the night, and how she was thus to ONLY person to call on for these things, since police were, like, so totally useless and stuff, even Dolph’s so-called Spook Squad. She had a point, since she’d gotten away with literal murder and hadn’t been seen as so much as a suspect. But, hey, she was just so hot and awesome, how could she be anything but always in the right all the time? Not like she could go to jail, anyway, since there would be no men but lots of icky, icky lesbians!

“Exactly.,” said Bert, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice as he continued, “As ever, you’ve got that way of reading between the lines. You’re so perceptive, Anita! Just another reason why you are our most special and valuable animator at our happy little raise-’em-from-hell family! Yes, it seems there has been some murders of a likely supernatural type in his place of business down in Georgia, but he doesn’t want the police involved.”

“Bad PR, I guess.”, Anita interjected her boss’s words for the second time, “Monsters running amok doesn’t exactly bring the customers running in any way but out of there.”

“Yes, that’s it precisely Anita, you’re so smart,” Bert had to grit his teeth, “He says your reputation reached him down South, and he trusts you much more than any trained supernatural-control S.W.A.T. team anywhere, and he wants you down there ASAP--uh, I mean, at any time most convenient for you. He also says that if you have any, ahem, friends of any sort that you would like to bring, you are more than welcome to. Of course, originally, I’d have told him not to call ME with this kind of crap, but he turned out to be offering a VERY handsome compensation to the company in return for your time.”

It was too perfect, wasn’t it? Anita Blake was getting sent out of state AND Bert was going to get more money from her absence than he had from her work for months.

“I can see why the guy would want the best of the best if he’s got the dough to afford it,” said Anita, “but it sounds a little suspicious. You didn’t even mention the guy’s name.”

The guy hadn’t given one, but Bert had already been paid and everything relevant to his checking account had checked out as legit, so he didn’t give a damn. In fact, he was hoping it was ‘suspicious’ enough to maybe get her out of his hair once and for all, since this was the last bundle of green he was ever likely to make from her, and it made up double for all the work she HADN’T done while on her nympho-rampages.

“Hey, I trust you Anita. Sure, some things might seem a bit dodgy, but you yourself just said there’s a good reason why this guy might want to be as anonymous as possible, and if something is up, who better to handle it than you? You’re The Executioner, after all!”

He hated himself so much right now for how widely he was smiling at her and how perky his voice was.

“I’ve got a folder with everything you’ll need in it. Plane tickets--first class, I might add, and a promise to purchase any additional ones you might need--directions on where to go when you land, hotel reservations, everything! Why, you’ll practically be on vacation!”

“Yeah,” said Anita, getting up while she thought about how her chest must move as she did so, because having such a gloriously full and luscious rack of hers meant every little movement caused ripples and jiggles of sensual sexiness, and imagined that Bert was probably ogling her very exposed cleavage, when in fact his eager expression was due to the fact she was about to exit his office, “A vacation full of murder and spooks that you’re getting paid for while I bust my butt. I’m so lucky to have a boss like you, Bert.”

“Not as lucky as I am to have an employee like you, Anita.”
 
 
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
 
 
 
graylorgraylor on September 8th, 2008 03:39 am (UTC)
I like this so far. Maybe a touch heavy on the snark, but, goodness, it would be hard to avoid that given what Hamilton gave you to work with.

You've made me like Bert: he may be an asshole but at least he's working on the earth plane, if you know what I mean.
rodentfanaticrodentfanatic on September 8th, 2008 12:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for not only reading, but commenting as well! Both were very kind of you, and make me happy.

This was originally written for a snark community, but even so, I can see your point about being snark-heavy; like romance fics that have too much lovey-dovey crap, or violent fics that just have ridiculously gratuitous gore. I hope to not only write a basic "let's make fun of Anita" snark/parody, but also to write an actual story in which Anita somehow manages to go back to her significantly more awesome (in my personal opinion) self, so some chapters will be more snark and some more straight-forward, so I hope you enjoy the future installments, if you choose to keep reading. :)

And yes, I always liked Bert (is it Bert or Burt?) myself, and I like to imagine that after Anita left the room, he was free to make sweet, sweet love to his wallet. XD

Again, thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, and thanks for complimenting! You've been a great encouragement!